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Oct. 31st, 2009 | 12:49 pm

It's Halloween! I've decided to stay at home and watch a couple scary movies (and pass out candy!) tonight versus going to parties. It's been a long week and I'm not feeling very sociable this weekend. I did get invited to a couple of parties that I would actually enjoy, but I think my body needs the rest. I'm not a fan of Halloween, mostly because Halloween to college-aged adults is overly-sexualized. I think that may make me sound pretty lame, but thats okay. The older I get, the more annoyed I get when women and men think women should just be something slutty for Halloween. Why can't women get attention for having unique and thoughtful costumes instead of  "sexy (insert noun here)". I am trying to avoid posting snarky comments on this by blogging, hopefully it helps :)

Lately I find myself trying very hard to hang onto my sense of idealism, innocence, and naivaity. It gets harder and harder as I get older and life throws more things my way. I don't like the person I was a few years ago and I'm finally at a place in my life where I like who I am, I just don't like the things that keep happening to me :( I wish I were 5 again. Alas.

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(no subject)

Aug. 6th, 2009 | 11:39 pm

I don't know that I believe in Heaven or not.
But if that's where my dad is now I can see him sitting with my grandma and his grandma and grandpa and he's asking where Lacey and I are. I just don't think he's happy, but I hope he is. And I'm really sorry no one was with him when he passed away :( At less my Remi kitty was there, but I wish Lacey and I would have been. :( It is almost his birthday. I just can't believe my dad is dead. My dad. Not someone else's, but mine.

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(no subject)

Jul. 16th, 2009 | 11:34 pm

I just wanna spend my days loving on you.

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(no subject)

Jun. 23rd, 2009 | 11:46 pm

Here is what has happened in the last two months:

I moved. To a very lovely old garden apartment. With hardwoods. Sweet Jeezus how I've pined for hardwoods ;)
I have a job wherein I only work on Fridays from 9-5. I do design stuff for a financial firm that consists of 4 employees.
I got hired to work at Caribou Coffee in Cary. That was almost a month ago and I still haven't started training :(
I still struggle everyday with the idea that I really am poor. Really. I've been looking for another job since I don't know when I'll actually (or ever) start working at Caribou.
Gannon graduated and now has a job at the company that laid me off. I'm happy for him but its really weird that he works for them. I will never ever forget the time I was laid off from that job.
I had to give my kitty to my dad upon moving into my new apartment :( I really do love living where I do, but I find myself counting down the time until I can have both of my pets and be in a place with someone I love very much all under one roof! That sounds too good to be true :)
Upon taking 2 Social Work classes and one Sociology course specifically on Mexico, I have decided that design is not what I want to do. Its hard, because I recognize that I have an eye for it, and I appreciate design, but I want to do something fulfilling. So I guess my challenge upon graduating is to see if I can find a job fusing the two.
I had the most amazing weekend this past weekend. Nothing spectacular happened unless you count yummy Indian food and a picnic (of which I do count spectacular) but it was such a peaceful weekend.

I think I was bummed when summer break began, I felt like I wouldn't have any contact with human beings. But now that summer has officially started, i don't want it to end. I just have to power through one more semester!

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On being sad.

Apr. 2nd, 2009 | 03:58 pm
mood: sadsad

This semester is hell. This will be another post where I try to articulate all the emotions I've been feeling due to being stressed out over school and finances. :( This has to be the worst semester in terms of course-load I've ever had. It seems like no matter how much homework I get done on the weekend I still find myself up until 4am on Monday and Wednesday nights. Its normal for me to get 18-20 hours of sleep M-F total. Most weeks consist of two nights of 3 or 4 hours of sleep. I'm just not used to this. I mean of course I've had to pull the occasional all-nighter because I procrastinated in the past, but this is me staying up all night just to keep up with my assignments. No procrastination :/ And I still question my major. I will always question why I came to Meredith, which is so fucking expensive that I will be paying loans back until I die. But now I wonder if I even want to do design. Will I be able to find a job? Will I find one I enjoy? Will I be helping people? Aggggh. I realized last night that I am becoming a very un-fun person. I have to stay so focused on not just doing my assignments, but doing well, and I don't think about much else. I do things on the weekends sometimes, but usually I'm so tired that social activities sound like more work. I'd rather stay at home and hang out with my pets, since I'm rarely at home unless I'm doing hw or sleeping. I've unintentially alienated myself from having good friends. I used to be really good at making friends but its so hard now. I may be free one evening this week, but I may not have time or feel rested enough to hang out again for another month or two. It just isn't enough for me to open up to people in the way required of friendships. For now I just tell myself I'll make friends when I graduate.

The second aspect of my life that constantly stresses me out is money and my lack of a job. The first problem is that I haven't had time to work this semester, let alone really look for a job. And that's okay. I had enough money saved to last. But now the semester is winding down and my money is dwindling and I wonder if I'm going to be okay. There will hopefully be financial aid next semester but I have to make sure I have money to live off of this summer, and that I have enough money next semester to pay my bills. I find myself spending less money overall each month and this month I'm really going to strap down. My budgetary goal is to get down to spending 800$ a month. Bills and everything. It sounds so surreal, I used to make almost double that each month. Which is the other problem. Losing my job has been one of the hardest things I've dealt with, beyond my father's accident, my parent's divorce, and deciding to take time off from school. I've lost self-confidence, my financial stability, and had a lot of rounds of depression in the mix. I've had a job, often two, since I was fourteen. It doesn't help that the company I worked for just moved into this snazzy building downtown and lately there have been a lot of articles about their new office. Some seem a bit trumped up in how wonderfully they're doing financially. If they're doing so well, why don't they hire back some of the people they let go? It's hard because at one time I really believed in that company and now a part of me hopes for it's ruination. I still have friends that work there and I wouldn't want to see them have to go through the emotions and struggles I've felt but it still hurts and I still find myself thinking snarky comments when I read an article about the company. It also hurts because I read of other businesses seeking innovative ways to avoid laying off employees and I would've liked to see more of that from my old job. It also sucks because I know as a student I'm probably not going to find another part-time job that will give me so much flexibility in scheduling with a good salary and benefits.

I have found a new job, but it scares me knowing I potentially won't be working many hours a week for awhile. I think it will be a good job to have, the people were very nice during my interview. I just hope I am able to increase my hours early on this summer, before I have to empty out all my savings :( So now I begin the search for job #2...

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(no subject)

Feb. 25th, 2009 | 10:16 pm

Why is it when people interrupt my music listenings I cannot remember to put my headphones back on my head?

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(no subject)

Feb. 15th, 2009 | 03:31 pm
music: Ratatat

I am alive. This is my worst semester thus far. Three weeks in a row of no sleep, and allergies. So really i have nothing to talk about, I just wanted an excuse to take a break from reading Untouchable for my English class. I have a handful of short stories to read after this, an entire chapter in my Social Welfare book, and a website design to work on. I am really enjoying the books and stories we're reading for in English. Spring Break cannot come soon enough actually it can, it's super early this year). I already have most of my time booked between finally visiting my family and going to Asheville with Gannon. I also assume I'll have lots of homework since professors at Meredith view breaks as opportunities to assign more work due the week after returning. 

Monday is Bella's birthday! I bought her a ginormous bone that is roughly the size of Remi. Hopefully she won't devour it and then move on the Remi, seeing he is the closest thing in size to that bone. :) I can't believe I've had that dog for 3 years. She's so awesome and is definitely my soulmate. 

I saw Coraline in 3D. It was an awesome movie, super cute. I think the 3D is unnecessary (but is cool) and kinda made my eyes hurt by the end of the movie. And it makes me wonder if certain aspects are made specifically for 3D. Which I suppose is okay so long as it isnt something detracting from the movie. I dont recall anything in the movie like that, though I remember a couple of things that seemed like they were created specifically for the 3D aspect.

I've had two new awesome beers recently. Actually I had both last night :) Gannon and I shared a "growler" of Aces & Ates, which is Big Boss's Coffee Stout. It's awesome. I really love stout beers. I also got a single Brooklyn Chocolate Stout from Trader Joe's last night. Its tasty too. And 10% ABV. I thought it was really smooth though. I had taken Zyrtec yesterday morning, and it did not react well with the beers. About an hour after drinking the beers I was exhausted, like someone had drugged me (I guess you could say I drugged myself!). I still feel druggy today, at 4pm. Not good considering I have all this reading to do, which always makes me sleepy under normal conditions. I want to go on a tour of Big Boss around my birthday, and go have some beers at their tavern. They're my favorite local brewery for sure.

I also baked lots the past two days. Yesterday I made cardamom cookies and chocolate chunk cookies. I'm not used to using Gannon's oven and overcooked both batches :( This morning I made ginger and cardamom scones, which are perfect! Redemption! I love scones so I think I'm gonna make more in the future. It also didn't help that I forgot my mixer. My shiny red mixer :( I couldnt get the butter to mix in with the dough today so I had to put the bowl in the oven for a couple of minutes to soften the butter. I also didn't have enough sour cream and kind of guessed how much buttermilk and butter would be substituted in. So I'm kind of amazed they turned out so well ;)

I keep having terrible dreams about my future. Even though I'm not graduating in May (in December), my dreams are revolving around this. One reoccuring dream is that I cannot find a well-paying job, can't pay my loan bill and am forced to become homeless.Remi has to live on a leash and Bella looks more emo than usual. The other is that I end up having to work 2 or 3 jobs and thus have no friends and am all alone and Bella is super emo for never seeing me. It doesn't help that CFNC sends me a letter to let me know so far it looks like my loan payments are gonna be like 600$ a month. I'll never afford a more reliable car. Though I shouldn't say mine is unreliable so far. Just has a lot of miles on it, and can't be trusted to start if it sits a couple of days unused. Which hasn't happened in almost a year so I guess thats not a major concern of mine.

Anyhow, enough of a break.

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(no subject)

Jan. 22nd, 2009 | 10:59 pm

I'm brainstorming on an idea for my first digital photography project. The concept is called "Never Enough" in which we explore consumerism and/or media and pop cultural influences. Etc etc. This idea has made me think about my own consumerism as well as those close to me. I'm thinking about taking pictures of friends and family surrounded by their stuff, or at least their most important stuff. It won't make any ground-breaking statements about our overall society but I think it'll be interesting and maybe the people in my life (myself included) will think about the impact of consumerism on their lives.
Or I could just document the amount of waste I create throughout a period of time. Or I could just go to the mall and photograph people being all consumery.

Anyways back to the reasons for my posting. I started thinking about the things in my life I absolutely could not live without. Thinking about people, the list is actually really small. Is that bad? Sometimes I feel like I've put myself in a box of determination and kind of pushed everyone else outside my box. But the truth is people don't really wait for you to finish what you've set out to accomplish. Their lives go forward and you just aren't a part of that anymore. By the time I graduate will I have anyone close in my life? Its kind of scary. I'll have accomplished one of my goals I've set for myself but at what cost? And the people I'd put on my list today, how do I know that list will be the same tomorrow? I certainly know that in terms of friends my list was very different two years ago, four years ago, six years, and so on. How do you let people in? I'm just not sure how that happens. Its like I don't let people in, I push them away, but at the same time I don't want to be alone. I hate being alone. I like me time, but not all the time. It'd be easy to list those people, but I'd prefer not to. So digressing over with.

Things I absolutely could not live without. My pets. Music. I could probably live without a lot of it, but I don't think I could live without The Mountain Goats or the Avett Brothers. Mostly just The Mountain Goats. Books. Absolutely could not live with out my Harry Potters. Maybe that says a lot about me. Maybe not. But if I'm stuck somewhere and can only read the same things over and over again I want something magical and enchanting. Something that will take me to another place, something vividly illustrated in my mind each time I read it. So that means Harry Potter. Not some literary genius Nobel Prize winning novel. :) I want to add movies to my list of things because I love movies as much as I love books, well almost as much. But I can't really think of one or two movies I'd choose over the others I love dearly. Maybe Eternal Sunshine. A pen and a journal. I need to be able to get thoughts out of my head and onto some recording device. These seem simplest. A computer adds too many layers. When it comes down to it, I think I could live without my computer. If the environment were more condusive. Finally, my cigar box full of mementos. Its sad how much stuff I really have. This list is so small and yet I have a lot of stuff. A lot of it is sentimental I think. Like this totally awful bookbag from high school. I'll never use that bag again. But I just can't give it away. One day when and if I move away from here, I'm just gonna cut all that stuff loose. Today is definitely not that day.

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What ifs.

Jan. 13th, 2009 | 11:44 pm

If I spend this moment contemplating the next moment (what if this happens?)
If I spend this moment contemplating the next moment (what if that happens?)
If this pattern continues I will have wasted all of the present and will have found myself
missing out on the things that are so perfect right now. In this very moment.

Right now, in this very moment, I am happy.

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All I Need.

Jan. 11th, 2009 | 12:43 am

It's been so long since I last posted and now I am scared to post. Yet here I am. Posting. Am I supposed to post a recapping entry? A stream of consciousness-here are my thoughts entry? Today is January 11th. My dad and sister visited me today. We went to Lilly's and I baked chocolate chip cookies. It was a nice boring day. Lately I have been feeling very nesty and always wanting to stay at home in the evenings. At the same time I feel very anxious here. I want to move, living in one place for more than a year makes me antsy for change. Perhaps it's because I've never had an apartment to my liking. I want to live in an old apartment, with hardwoods and old charm. Carpet + pets = Disgust. The dilemma (and there are actually two) is that I do not have a job and I want to travel this summer (via study abroad, hello more loans). If I am to study this summer in Europe I can't afford to move and pay double rent. If I stay here and do summer school and potentially have a job, I can move. I also think lots about how I would have to spend another year here, when by the time my current lease runs out I'll have one more semester left. I can only hope the job market in the area is better for those remaining six months I'm stuck here. I have a lot of apprehension concerning life after this semester. But it is not the time for those things.

I'm in another music rut. Kind of. I feel like its a rut because I keep listening to the same 3 or 4 albums over and over again. Curse you Damian Jurado, Bon Iver, and Avett Brothers. I got some new-to-me stuffs but it just isn't making me happy like these guys are. I had okay holidays. From Thanksgiving until my birthday I usually feel pretty depressed. I didnt spend more than 12 hours in Asheboro, so that helped a lot. I spent Thanksgiving with Gannon and his family, that helped too. My sister and dad came to stay with me for Christmas, helped as well. Now to make it through wintery months. Fortunately it hasn't been too cold too often. Days are better when its sunny, regardless of temperature.

School starts again in two days. :( I dread night classes and papers and group projects. My schedule is gross (what's new) except that I have 3 day weekends again, yay! Lately I feel very unsure of myself in design. Losing my job last semester put me in a rut that affected my flow of ideas and enthusiasm for projects and assignments. Hopefully that feeling will be gone this semester. It's hard to say though, typically spring semesters are my weaker semesters.

I have a lot of high hopes for this year. 

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